With such a complex web of family history, I like many…have experienced a great number of inwardly opposing thoughts, grappling with my own multifaceted consciousness over “how to feel” about events that have transpired over the course of my journey. I have literally re-written my own history through the significant self exploration that I have committed to over the years, and re-framed my perspective of events, shifting mountains of emotional glue, that held me deep beneath the potential of my own personal freedom.
Crossing the road today as I saw a family member (that I had not seen in a number of years, as is often the case) coming in the opposite direction towards me, triggered a deep sense of righteousness, that I now have the freedom and conviction… that this feeling is truly entitled and authentically me. I crossed the road with certainty that it was what I wanted, and in doing so, knew that I was honouring me! I felt integrity in that moment which triggered the contemplation of the place that righteousness has in our human psych…which I believe has a purpose in keeping us “real”. I feel that this integrity of mind, guides us towards the knowing of what we will and will not swallow as “fitting” for us, as imposed judgment by others. It is something I feel, that we do not have to accept or even take, especially in the knowing that such prejudices are not true.
I have completed certain Personal Development courses and forums (many in fact) that I have attended out of my own dedication, to myself and my personal growth…some of which, have not completely “clicked” with me. Such forums I have felt, can become somewhat self “blaming” rather than liberating. Even though I felt blessed to witness other’s precious and deeply inspiring awakenings, around responsibility for relationship break downs…I personally, have exhausted every possible exploration of healing in search of love – for those that have been a part of my life…which has been the gift of the significant deaths through my youth. Each one of them revealed to me the fragility and significance of human existence, teaching me gratitude for the people and events in my life. I have made it my mission to leave nothing unsaid and that is something that I live by! If there were 24 hours left of life on earth, I will be complete, knowing I lived and loved as fully as I could.
Having this occur today, felt somewhat liberating in finding my willingness to simply accept myself, exactly as I am and to respect my natural inclination to steer away from an energy dynamic that I know has never fed my spirit, only depleted it greatly. This near crossing of paths, lead me to a stream of contemplation of the “rightful” place of “righteousness”, which I experienced today as a feeling of integrity, poise and self love. I felt like I was taking a stand for the boundaries that by human right, I am entitled to, that have been dishonored without recognition. While I still have gratitude for the blessings held within such crossing of boundaries, for what they have taught me, about both myself and life…on an even greater level, this is still teaching me…today, rippling out far beyond the years of events transpired.
