As a child with dyslexia, I experienced many frustrating challenges through my early years of education. Growing through this hurdle, I was set to overcome my learning disability through sheer determination and practice until one day…I finally got it right. I could write! Further along I experienced nervous breakdowns as a teen, being admitted into hospital twice when 14 for my own wellbeing and recovery. During this time I was medicated for my inability to sleep and anxiety around being homeless. I was already a ward of the state, without parental presence in my life, due to their drug use.
In my early twenties, after having lost both parents, I had reached a low point during which I was prescribed anti-depressants. It was my last straw and resort of coping with the severe depression I was experiencing at the time. Going home from the doctors that day, something inside of me stood still and became present to the power within me to overcome this by choice. A voice within, desperate yet determined, whispered gently… not to give up. This inner wisdom was something within my soul, yearning to be free. In that moment I chose to go my own way in dealing with the depression I was facing.
My reality was unpleasant to me, triggering the spiral I was falling in. And in that moment of awakening I saw that I could change my reality and therefore transform and dissolve my depression. I realised then that I was the force behind my own recovery, steering the ship to calmer waters, where I would be safer. From that day on, I became determined in a new way. A simple choice to shift my reality by realigning myself with different people in a different space, was the very choice that dissolved my depression. All of my growing years, through youth to adulthood, I have been determined and driven to surpass my setbacks.
Overcoming the adversities that I have in life, has made me stronger through the force that has been required of me to move beyond the turmoil. With that might, I have continued to walk through life at the same pace, pushing through with deep drive to break through the limits set before me. I grew up under child protection, in and out of childrens courts in custody battles and witness to frequent violence, drug use and death. Through this, I grew wiser to the world. My blind spots today are few. And I continually seek them out, where there may be more, on higher and higher levels of consciousness, so as to avoid more of the unexpected.
As a result of the hardships I have endured, there have been times of deep emotional falling and dispair, isolation and hopelessness. Though it is in those moments that I have somehow always been able to fight my way back up in the rebellion of my own youth. In those moments, I have encouraged myself back up again…telling myself, there is nothing they can do and nothing that can happen now that could hurt you more. The worst that could happen, has happened and there is nothing left to fear. In those moments of silence alone, I am reborn with determination, almost super human…bullet proof. My determination has been the key that opens the door to courage and fearlessness. Today I give thanks for this quality within me, for without it, I would not be where I am today.
The lessons I have learned through dissolving my own depression, to be my own comfort in the moments of deep emotion and hurt, has taught me well. My only advice for those suffering with this spiritual darkness, would be to take the reins and piece by piece, begin shifting your life and it’s condition, so as to better support you and your wellbeing. Say goodbye to toxic people in your life and seek those who love and admire you. Tolerate no one who puts you down or judges where you came from. Be kind enough to yourself to keep only company that will cherish you and challenge you in ways that help you grow.