What it means to me to be a mother

Reflecting on Mothers Day…I could not help but feel a little sad. Though my first Mother’s Day as a mother, I was also proud…for though I was not “brought up”, I grew up fast. And for though I cannot say I am proud of where I come from…I can say I’m proud of who I am.

Though my mother was not there very much for me as a child, I knew she loved me. I also understood she had a very painful life. A life of tragedy and trauma…one that saw her lose 3 children to horrific endings.

So, though my mother was not the best example for me…my love for her still outweighs anything I’ve ever felt…aside from the love of my own baby girl.

I first lost my mum when I was 3 years old. Taken to foster care and returned for my fourth birthday not long before my mother was imprisoned. As a child I returned to live with her after her release for a few short periods. Her addiction saw my sister and I cooking for the family when I was 7 and she going on 11, while surviving on charity and food parcels.

Needless to say, we lived in a few foster homes from then on. From 14 to 16 I lived in a vulnerable situation, though safe in some ways away from my own family…there was a great cost. I lived alone as soon as legally possible at 18 shortly after my mother’s death. I battled to survive. But as I overcame adversity and struggle, beyond expectation…my backward rebellion developed into resilience. Now as a mother, I feel so gifted and blessed.

To me this is an opportunity of a lifetime! I still can’t stop staring at my baby almost 10 months after that night she was born, when I don’t think I slept at all. I truly am blessed. Finally complete at heart, my life has gone from yin to yang, dark to light! To finally have family and to finally be gifted the ability to love without fear, is a feeling I treasure to tears.

For though I know we can gain from pain, my wish is to show that there are other ways. I know that life’s beginnings can mean so much. Having so much sadness so early, taught me what a moment, a person and a choice can mean. Such seemingly little things can change so much. So all these little things, each day…I give wholeheartedly. I give myself to motherhood completely, for I know what it can one day mean. 

To be a mother means the world to me. I have never been so blessed or grateful for anything in my life. Though some days can be tiring, the gratitude I hold in my heart keeps me going. For this love has given me more strength than I ever knew existed in me. Beyond measure!