See, sexual abuse is not JUST penetration! I know exactly what happened! My sister not only told my mother when they split after she was released from prison…but I also now have her diaries to prove it!
She took her own life at 15 years old.
I guess that abuse may have been one of the straws that broke the camels back!
See, my point is…at the all too famous Landmark seminar…I could’t “blame myself” or “take accountability” for any of this(stuff I had still had charge and grit around)! I held a grudge against my Nan for not believing me… and accusing my late (dead) sister of being liars, to be frank.
I could not just “pick up the phone” and just “let that go” and say “I’m sorry for feeling this way”, because I’m not. I still hurt over that! YEP…I’m human! It hurts more as I know she’s ageing too!
I just want to say…in this case, I still feel that “it’s not me” it’s them! But what I will say is…I think Landmark is “WRONG” in this case!
I’m not “the jerk” here! And what’s probably even more mind blowing is…I’m grateful! Grateful for the lack of family I have had because of the cold dark wedge that drove between me, my Nana and the rest of the family!
This has recently resurfaced after seeing a photo of my nan and other family member, eating together at an event with another abuser of mine in the family. There, I said it! I’m over hiding in the shadows! I have very little family for very big reasons!
See, I did not have my mother’s side of the family. We never had anything to do with them as they were criminals. True crime novels have been written about them!
Movies and documentaries have been made about them! And not in a good way! So…in this case, though some days there is an deep undercurrent of “what’s wrong with me, I have no family”…
But BECAUSE of this…
There’s an even stronger drive in my life to BUILD connections of AUTHENTICITY, built of mutual respect and TRUST! Something I did NOT get given to me! I CREATE this because I made it “important”. Important means, that which you see/feel as most “missing” in your life, therefor you need to “import” it.
I’m grateful because this lack of love in my early life from family, with both parents dying early with drug addictions and alcoholism, gave me a fierce and deep love for my own children. I feel incredibly blessed to be with and have my children and this love is profoundly electric.
The gratitude I feel in my heart for them EACH moment is beyond blessed! And so, I feel…Landmark…you were wrong! I don’t owe anyone an apology! I’m thankful for the lessons. I completed the forum and loved it, don’t get me “wrong”…but I didn’t walk away with ownership of any “baggage”…I simply used it to build better foundations.
I unpacked that baggage and gave it purpose!