It‘s Not Me, It’s You. Landmark Was Wrong

It was 2006 just after my Dad died when my Astrology and Feng Shui teacher invited me to Landmark. It was such an awesome Self Development seminar! BUT… though there were all these amazing breakthroughs people were having which were inspiring and awesome to witness…I myself, never got it!

My Breakthrough came before that seminar! In reading Dr John Demartini’s book The Breakthrough Experience! It’s what had me set my father’s emotional hooks on me free, just one month BEFORE he died!

My father sexually abused my sister while our mother was in prison. I remember them being in the bedroom and having to knock, to show my sister my drawing, as a 4/5 year old, which would have made her 7/8. I still remember it vividly. Years later, he sexually assaulted me while drunk.

It happened only the once, but was the reason I re-entered foster care for the (I lost count how many) times at age 14. See, I still remember being on the phone to my Nan (his mother) a month or two after this event. She clearly said in no uncertain terms that she doubted it was true. When I asked “what about what he did to “my sister”, she said “Well that wasn’t proven”.

See, sexual abuse is not JUST penetration! I know exactly what happened! My sister not only told my mother when they split after she was released from prison…but I also now have her diaries to prove it!

She took her own life at 15 years old.

I guess that abuse may have been one of the straws that broke the camels back!

See, my point is…at the all too famous Landmark seminar…I could’t “blame myself” or “take accountability” for any of this(stuff I had still had charge and grit around)! I held a grudge against my Nan for not believing me… and accusing my late (dead) sister of being liars, to be frank.

I could not just “pick up the phone” and just “let that go” and say “I’m sorry for feeling this way”, because I’m not. I still hurt over that! YEP…I’m human! It hurts more as I know she’s ageing too!

I just want to say…in this case, I still feel that “it’s not me” it’s them! But what I will say is…I think Landmark is “WRONG” in this case!

I’m not “the jerk” here! And what’s probably even more mind blowing is…I’m grateful! Grateful for the lack of family I have had because of the cold dark wedge that drove between me, my Nana and the rest of the family!

This has recently resurfaced after seeing a photo of my nan and other family member, eating together at an event with another abuser of mine in the family. There, I said it! I’m over hiding in the shadows! I have very little family for very big reasons!

See, I did not have my mother’s side of the family. We never had anything to do with them as they were criminals. True crime novels have been written about them!

Movies and documentaries have been made about them! And not in a good way! So…in this case, though some days there is an deep undercurrent of “what’s wrong with me, I have no family”…

But BECAUSE of this…

There’s an even stronger drive in my life to BUILD connections of AUTHENTICITY, built of mutual respect and TRUST! Something I did NOT get given to me! I CREATE this because I made it “important”. Important means, that which you see/feel as most “missing” in your life, therefor you need to “import” it.

I’m grateful because this lack of love in my early life from family, with both parents dying early with drug addictions and alcoholism, gave me a fierce and deep love for my own children. I feel incredibly blessed to be with and have my children and this love is profoundly electric.

The gratitude I feel in my heart for them EACH moment is beyond blessed! And so, I feel…Landmark…you were wrong! I don’t owe anyone an apology! I’m thankful for the lessons. I completed the forum and loved it, don’t get me “wrong”…but I didn’t walk away with ownership of any “baggage”…I simply used it to build better foundations.

I unpacked that baggage and gave it purpose!